You’ll never be able to communicate effectively under pressure if you’re a pinball to your emotions and circumstance.

Whether you bottle up your feelings until you explode, snap aggressively when stressed, or get defensive when someone gives you feedback – these responses will all have a negative impact, not only on your communication and whether you get the outcome you want, but on your relationships and how others perceive you.

Your competency to do your job – particularly if you’re a leader – will be judged against how well you control your reactions and emotions, and whether you can stay calm under pressure.

I’ve seen many leaders, in both paid and voluntary capacities, come totally unstuck by this over the years. I’ve seen board members behave like tantrum throwing toddlers and lose the respect of those around them over the most ridiculous things. I’ve seen a meltdown by an executive over VIP seating arrangements, complete with foot stomping. I’ve seen someone scream, swear and then storm out of a room because their colleagues were being too noisy on a Friday afternoon. I’ve seen someone get so angry I genuinely worried they were going to give themselves a heart attack.

Every time it happens, my respect for those involved diminishes, as does my trust in their competency to do their job – all based on their lack of ability to regulate their emotions.

It’s a lack of soft skills that brings them undone.

And I’m not the only one who thinks this way.

Recently I had a workshop participant tell me about a senior manager who yelled at him in front of other staff following a misunderstanding over email.

The participant (let’s call him Bill) described his manager flying into his office and “fully flipping out”, complete with screaming and finger pointing.

Rather than speak with Bill calmly and professionally about his concerns, the manager had lost all control – and everyone in the surrounding open plan space saw it. Thankfully Bill, although shocked, remained calm.

This further highlighted his boss’s poor behaviour.

“I lost all respect for him after that,” Bill told me.

“And the worst bit? At a meeting the next day he just pretended like nothing had happened. No apology. No acknowledgement of the incident at all. It really made me question his leadership ability. He’s meant to be a senior professional, but his behaviour was just a joke.”

This is where Bill’s manager really stuffed up. Losing control like he did was bad enough, but not owning it and apologising destroyed his credibility.

If you’re someone who struggles to control their emotions, particularly when communicating under pressure, working to address this is vital for your success.

Here are three key steps to get you started:

1. It starts with self-awareness.

You can’t change what you don’t or won’t acknowledge. Be brutally honest with yourself. Having weaknesses doesn’t make you a bad person, it simply makes you a human with things to work on.

If you’re not sure how your emotions impact your mood, behaviour and communications, ask someone else. People who are self-aware see themselves more closely to how others see them.

Be selective in whose feedback you seek. Make sure it’s someone whose opinion you trust and someone who will be honest with you. Don’t seek feedback from someone who will only tell you what you want to hear.

2. Take personal responsibility.

Once you’re aware of how your emotions impact your communication, it’s time to take personal responsibility.

That is, personal responsibility for both your actions in the past and for ensuring you better manage your emotions in the future.

You losing control is not someone else’s fault. It’s yours. Own it and most importantly – apologise for it as quickly as possible after the event. You have a chance at salvaging respect and reputation if you can admit your mistakes. Saying sorry, I was out of line is a sign of strength not weakness.

3. Make a commitment and do the work

And finally, do something about it. Commit to developing your emotional intelligence and working on your self-regulation.

Learning how to better control your emotions is difficult, but it can be done with practice, persistence and hard work.

As emotional intelligence expert, Daniel Goleman said: “Building one’s emotional intelligence cannot – will not – happen without sincere desire and concerted effort.”

So make a commitment, roll up your sleeves and do the work.

Leah Mether is a communications specialist, trainer, speaker and author. Her next public workshop, Effective Communication: Developing Assertiveness for Personal and Career Success is on 28 August at Bunjil Place in Narre Warren. To book your spot, visit www.effectivecommsnarrewarren.eventbrite.com.au . For more information about Leah’s work, www.leahmether.com.au.