The biggest thing holding you back in life – the biggest roadblock to your success – is usually yourself. It’s your self-doubt.
Whether it’s in your career, your relationships, or any part of your personal life, the biggest obstacle is often not circumstance, the environment, situation, or other people. It’s you.
This can be confronting to acknowledge.
That’s not to say those other things don’t have an impact. They do. But usually, if you’re brutally honest with yourself, the biggest thing holding you back is your self-doubt, feelings of inadequacy, fear of failure, and that dreaded imposter syndrome.
We all have that little voice – for some it’s a loud shouty voice.
The voice of self-doubt that says: I’m not good enough. I’m not ready. It’s not the right time. I probably won’t get the job anyway. Other people are smarter than me. I don’t deserve success. What if I fail? I’ll probably just embarrass myself. What if people realise I’m a fraud and don’t know exactly what I’m doing? What will other people think of me? Who am I to be that, try that, do that? Who am I?
In Australia, self-doubt is almost celebrated. Tall poppy syndrome is an engrained part of our culture. We cut people down if they shine too brightly and we’re all terrified of being seen as up ourselves. As a result, we hold ourselves back and self-doubt flourishes. In fact, not only are we scared of failure, we end up scared of success. We talk ourselves down and fear owning our achievements and accomplishments and it can seriously hinder our careers.
Some people hear that little voice of self-doubt and listen to it. The voice controls their actions and becomes their excuse for not doing things they say they want to. It knocks their confidence and stops them from pursuing their goals and dreams. They don’t apply for jobs or go for promotions. They stay in bad relationships. They don’t try things that push them outside their comfort zone. They fear change. The problem is these people hear the voice of self-doubt and take it as a sign to stop. But here’s the thing: Everyone has that little voice. EVERYONE. It doesn’t matter how confident, competent, or successful you are – or whether you’re the CEO or new apprentice – everyone has feelings of self-doubt, inadequacy, lack of confidence, and being an imposter at times.
It’s vital you understand this: Everyone doubts themselves. What sets people apart is some people are better at dealing with it than others.
Here are my top tips to help you overcome self-doubt:
- Expect negative thoughts.
No matter how positive you are, at times negativity and self-doubt will be there. Don’t be surprised. Don’t see it as a sign you should stop. Instead, understand it’s normal. It’s just one of many thoughts that enters your brain.
In fact, handled well in an emotionally intelligent way, self-doubt can be a positive thing with benefits. It can allow you to self-reflect and question your behaviour and actions in a way that helps you identify where you can improve.
Self-doubt can also be a legitimate protection mechanism if it’s based in fact and reality. Doubting whether you can jump between the roofs of two buildings is probably a good thing.
Self-doubt itself is not necessarily the problem. The problem occurs when you hold onto it and give that voice more airtime that it’s entitled to. When you let that little voice take over your headspace and control your actions.
Overthinking allows self-doubt to flourish. The more you allow self-doubt to have a say, the stronger it gets. This can lead to paralysis in action and decision making.
So how does expecting negative thoughts help?
If you consider thoughts of self-doubt to be normal and don’t get surprised when they turn up, you can move past them. You acknowledge the self-doubt and see it, but don’t hold onto it.
For those who meditate, this idea is familiar. Meditation isn’t about clearing your mind of negative thoughts – it’s about seeing them, but not giving them power. Instead, you simply let them go.
If meditation isn’t your thing, try taking action despite your fears. Don’t overthink it, just do it.
- Look at it objectively.
Self-doubt is not you.
It’s separate from you. Think of it as a separate character; like a devil on your shoulder.
You’re not a failure, it’s just a little voice telling you that you are.
When you experience self-doubt, ask yourself – is what I’m telling myself real? Is it factual? Is it grounded in reality? Or is it just a nasty story I’m telling myself?
How can you look at it objectively? Imagine you’re talking about a friend who wanted to go for a promotion. What would you say to them? Chances are you’d say ‘go for it’. If the way you would speak to a friend is different to the way you’d speak to yourself – it’s likely self-doubt speaking.
Another way to analyse your feelings more objectively is to get them out of your head and onto paper. Write up a pros and cons list to help you judge the reality of a situation or decision you’re faced with.
- Talk back to it.
Tell that little voice to shut the hell up.
When it starts, talk back to it. Tell it to pipe down. Be courageous and stand up to it. Treat it like you would a naughty or sulking toddler – but with more swearing.
The little voice is telling you you’re scared? Bad luck, you’re doing it anyway.
I use this technique all the time. If I get nervous before a presentation, or find self-doubt creeping in, I give myself a stern talking to. Not a timid little pep talk; I’m fierce.
“Ok, you’re nervous. So what? You’re prepared. You’re doing it anyway. Suck it up. Let’s go.”
- Re-frame failure.
We are often taught to see failure as a bad thing. But it’s not. It’s awesome! Failure is how we learn. It’s how we improve. Every time we fail, we’re closer to success.
It’s only failure if we don’t try, or we don’t learn from it.
JK Rowling was rejected by 12 different publishers before one finally picked up Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. What if she’d stopped writing and shelved it the first time she ‘failed’?
What if I fail? Who cares! Better to try, fail, and learn, than not try at all.
Fail your way to success. Be persistent. The most successful people didn’t get to where they are because they never failed – they got there because they failed, dusted themselves off, and tried again. They failed over and over, and that is why they succeeded.
- Train your brain.
Overcoming self-doubt won’t just happen. It takes hard work and discipline. It involves being self-aware and noticing when that little voice creeps in. When it does, you need to call yourself out.
Pay attention to when self-doubt is most prevalent for you. Here’s what you’ll likely discover: The voice is at its strongest when you’re challenging yourself. When you’re pushing outside your comfort zone and about to try something new.
It’s not a sign to stop, it’s a sign to keep going. Push through it. See self-doubt it as proof you’re taking risks and getting closer to your goal. Awesome! Go you!
Yes, pushing through might be uncomfortable. No, it’s not always easy. But outside your comfort zone is where the magic happens.
Leah Mether is a trainer, speaker, author and director of Methmac Communications. She helps people improve their communication skills and step up for success. For the latest news from Methmac Communications, visit www.methmac.com.au.
