I lose; you win. That’s passive communication in a nutshell.

I won’t put forward my opinions and beliefs, so my needs won’t be met; and you can walk all over me.

Passive is one of the four main styles of communication, along with aggressive, assertive, and passive-aggressive.

At times, passive has its place, but if it’s your go-to communication style – your default position, particularly at times of stress and conflict – you may have a problem.

Communicating in a passive way doesn’t make you a failure or a bad person, but it does have the potential to hold you back and limit your success. It makes it difficult for you to achieve your goals and dreams.

The great news is, communication is a skill everyone can develop and improve, and passive communicators can learn to become more assertive.

It’s not about changing who you are; it’s about changing what you do.

So, how do you know if you’re passive and how might it be holding you back?

Passive communicators:

> Don’t speak up for themselves or express their beliefs, even when they want to.

> Are often people pleasers who say yes when they want to say no.

> Put their own needs last.

> May appear overly easy-going or ‘too nice’. (Note: Don’t confuse passive with introverted. Introverts can be assertive and passive communicators can be outgoing people who ‘go with the flow’, never suggest which movie to see or restaurant to eat at, and say things like ‘I’m easy, you decide’).

> Avoid conflict and confrontation, even if someone is treating them badly.

> Apologise unnecessarily and talk themselves down (use words like ‘just’ and ‘lucky’ a lot).

> May struggle with eye contact and appear shy, withdrawn and quiet (but may not).

The problem with passive

Communicating passively can have significant consequences for your personal and professional life:

> Others disregard your opinion and needs – sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally.

> You’ll be passed over for jobs and promotions if you don’t contribute or share your ideas and initiatives.

> You become complicit in poor choices – like the teenager who gets into the back of a stolen car with his friends, even though he doesn’t want to, and then goes down for the fall when pulled over by police.

> It generates feelings of stress, seething anger and resentment because you feel like you’re being walked all over.

> You expect other people to be mind readers. You think: ‘They should know why I’m upset’, rather than have a conversation. (Newsflash: No one else thinks exactly like you.)

> It can lead to explosions of aggressive communication. Passive communicators often communicate in extremes. They keep their feelings bottled up until their anger builds to a point when they can’t hold it in any longer and then they explode, often spectacularly.

Passive communication does have a place

While passive communication can cause problems, in some circumstances it does have a place:

> Compromise is essential in all relationships. If you’re always assertive it can stifle the people around you. Sometimes, taking a passive role yourself on a decision you’re not that invested in can be a way of encouraging them to contribute and take the lead. Yes, you may have an opinion, but consider whether you always need to express it.

> When dealing with a manipulative person. Pick your battles. Some people thrive on causing drama and stirring the pot in the hope of getting a reaction. Consider whether you want to add fuel to the fire by engaging with them. Sometimes the best response is to ignore them. It drives them crazy.

> When being assertive would hurt the other person and not benefit you, or them. For example, if your friend names their baby the most horrendous name you’ve ever heard, you don’t need to tell them.

Communicating with a passive person

Drawing conversation and input from a passive person can be challenging, but it is often well worth the effort. How do you do it?

> Build them up. Make them feel valued. Passive people often feel like their voice or opinion is insignificant and doesn’t matter. Tell them otherwise and back it up with actions to show they are valued.

> Tell them you want their opinion and why. Be explicit, with something like: “Jenny, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the project. You have a great relationship with the client and could really add to this conversation.”

> Ask direct questions. If you ask a room of passive people whether anyone has any questions, you’ll be met with the sound of crickets chirping. You’ll get nothing. Do not make the mistake of thinking this means no-one has questions! If you know someone is unlikely to speak up, ask them a question directly: “So Tim, what do you think our main challenge is to deliver this project on time?”

> Talk less, listen more.

> Reach out through email or written communication. Many passive people are uncomfortable speaking up in a group environment, but will be willing to put their thoughts in writing if you reach out to them.

Your communication style can make or break you and self awareness is key, as you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.

If you’re a passive communicator, it’s important to understand the impact your style may be having on your life and then to decide what, if anything, you’re going to do about it.

To learn more about developing your assertiveness, come along to my popular Effective Communication Workshop. Whatever your go-to style, this workshop will help you learn skills to improve your communication. Details are on the Events page of my website at www.leahmether.com.au and tickets are on sale now.