What I’m trying to learn and unlearn at 45

I turned 45 on Tuesday and while I could give you a neat, polished reflection about what I’ve learned up until now, the truth is I’ve spent more time lately thinking about what I need to unlearn.

For most of my life, I’ve operated in what I can only describe as “go mode”. Push through. Work hard. Be dependable. Keep producing. Keep achieving. Carry the load. Don’t drop the ball. Go, go, go.

And to be fair, in many ways those behaviours served me well.

Working hard helped me build a career and a business I’m incredibly proud of. It helped me survive difficult seasons in my personal life, support my family, create opportunities and build resilience. I don’t reject that part of myself at all.

But I’m becoming increasingly aware that some of the behaviours that help us succeed in one phase of life can quietly become the things that exhaust us in the next. And that what got me here, won’t get me there – the “there” I now picture when I think about what success looks like from this point forward.

I see it in so many leaders and professionals I work with too. Highly capable people who have become so used to functioning under pressure that stress feels normal and slowing down feels uncomfortable.

People who can manage teams, businesses, crises and competing priorities, yet struggle to sit still without feeling guilty. People who intellectually understand the importance of boundaries, rest and self-care, yet still feel internally wired for pressure, productivity and proving themselves.

Honestly, I think many of us have been rewarded for over-functioning for so long that we don’t even realise we’re doing it anymore.

Lately, I’ve been trying to consciously rewire some of that thinking. To stop equating rest with laziness. To stop tying my worth to output. To stop feeling like I have to earn the right to slow down. To believe that my value as a human being exists independently of what I achieve. That last one still feels uncomfortable to write, if I’m honest.

But I think this next phase of life for me is less about achievement and more about alignment.

Less about constantly pushing and more about being intentional. Less about proving and more about presence. Less about doing more, and more about deciding what actually matters. Less about saying yes to everything and more about being selective with who and what gets my energy.

Not smaller ambitions. Not less drive. Not lowering my standards.

Just a healthier, steadier and more sustainable way of living and leading.

Anyway, I thought I’d let you behind the curtain a little this week because I suspect I’m not the only one reassessing things in midlife.

Maybe growth in the next chapter isn’t always about learning more.

Maybe sometimes it’s about unlearning what no longer serves us.